Musings of a merely mortal mind...

• being busy does not have to equal stress
• just because i want something, doesn't mean i have to have it, i can say no (thank you for being so inspiring, Kerry)
• my new Archangel Michael oracle cards arrived in the mail today - so, so, so beautiful, full of energy and framed in gold
• he spoke to me in the car today, loudly and unmistakable, was slightly freaky, but his message was clear: ask my help for anything, any time
• maybe i should ask Michael not to talk to me while i'm driving, i nearly ran off the road! LOL
• i think i've been spoiled more this Christmas than any other in my entire life - i received, just to mention a few:

1. a huge coffee table with drawer
2. a fridge
3. a clothes dryer
4. popcorn maker
5. neck massager pillow
6. dvd's
7. pyjamas
8. chocolates!
9. money
10. movie voucher
11. candles
    
12. a beautiful birthstone (amethyst) locket
13. and a million other beautiful and useful things...
14. i'm so spoilt :-)

• taking photos of raindrops on the tablecloth of the outside table
• running around like a mad thing, chewing up petrol and motivation looking after grandma, her sister, getting visitors, and mediating the relationship between Isa the cat and Jessie the puppy
• supernatural *sigh* - re watching the 4th season right now, because... well... i'm obsessed with Castiel and Dean and Sam *falls into catatonic stupor after spontaneous angelgasm*
  
• blowing up to whale size proportions from the usual 'annual-christmas-food-guzzling'
• resolving to not drink real coke and stick to diet like i normally do, and not letting grandma buy the sugary devil's drink ever again!
• talked to Flowerman about my spirituality in depth (although still not the deepest parts) for the first time and he was good with it.... surprising and comforting
• thought briefly about how comfortable i am with mum's partner, Muz, wondered if i'd ever feel comfortable enough to refer to him as my 'step dad'
• the thought quickly passed in a cloud of smoke after i ignited it with 68 kilos of TNT
• notebooks, they are my best friends, notebooks *sigh*
• mum's laptop is missing the "i" key... it's amazing how much you use the letter "i"
• i am ingenious and brilliant by plugging my own mini keyboard from my PC at home into the laptop and using that instead
• okay, maybe not brilliant
• but i am a genius, no?
• moving on then....
• i've been amused at Jessie's lack of respect for Isa's claws, she even sharpens them in the dog's presence! you'd think the message would get across, but no
• medication does not equal weakness
• medication does not equal instant fix or cure all
• i got Ice Age 3 Dawn Of The Dinosaurs on dvd for Christmas and watched it last night, it was hilarious, totally loved it :-)
• a flea plague does not for a happy puppy make
• ferrero rocher chocolates are the devil's food, but, understandably, undeniably irresistible
  
• i love words! :D 
• i'm so glad it's stopped raining - i love rain, but seriously, not for days and days on end
  
• no one is really paying that much notice to the shaved or unshaven status of my legs
• shaving legs and underarms with a brand new, cheap razor DOES equal blood and ouchies
• thinking about my aunt and uncle who sailed out of Sydney this afternoon on the Sun Princess for a 9 day cruise to New Zealand
  
• they'd probably be sitting on the balcony of their room right now having a drink -and watching the sun set
• pondering saving money to go on a cruise in 2011, i'll need approximately $5,000
• i hope my aunt can find me a cheap eepc in duty free or maybe the DKNY Be Delicious perfume i can't afford here
• wondering what to watch tonight: 

1. Dark Knight (Heath Ledger)
   
2. 21 (Kevin Spacey)
3. The Mentalist (dvd boxset) 
4. or.....MORE SUPERNATURAL!?

• also wondering - how many ferrero rochers can i eat before the nuts in my head start dipping themselves in chocolate and singing 'hallelujah' at the top of their voices !!!!?????
  

CHRISTMAS RAIN

Snort

Dreams and Insights

The Dream:

I was on a bus, and someone carried a young woman on in their arms, she was moaning and had broken her back, barely conscious. The person sitting next to me moved away, but I stayed sitting with her to help if I could. The person who put her on the bus looking for someone to help also disappeared. I held her.

I was talking to my dad as he typed on the computer. We were catching up after having not spoken for years. He told me he was writing a book - about basketball. (WTF?) I was amazed because he was never in to basketball, and he said that he was up to the last chapter. Dad said he'd show me it all when he was finished printing this last page.

Back on the bus, the young woman woke up and sat up straight next to me. She wasn't in any pain any more, she had healed completely. I was stunned, and felt her pulse. I still remember the feel of her pulse beneath my fingers; it was so vivid and has stayed with me all day. Her heartbeat was perfect and I looked at her and said, stunned, "You're fine!"

Insights:
I feel as though my dad might have been working through his issues in the time that I saw him last, and has almost sorted himself out - hence the 'last page of the book' he's been writing.
Or perhaps it is me who has been working on my issues around him, which is certainly true as I feel I am almost at a stage where I would like to see him again.
I am also scared though that I don't have much time left. He's just over 70 now. I think that's another theme there, the ending of the book, 'almost finished' etc.
Maybe this dream is a sign that it's time to move, to take action and reconnect with him. Or at least make some peace in myself over everything.
I've been thinking about this for about 6 months now. I guess this dream is a sign that it's time to do it, as I've been asking for guidance from my guides about this lately.

As for the woman.... I was once a girl with a broken back, on many levels. There was little hope, so many had given up on me (the people that left her on the bus), and I was in excruciating pain.
But I have been nurtured, cared for, supported, guided, pushed, believed in and held, by others and by myself over the past 4 years, and I have healed a great deal.
A very accurate metaphor of my life, I think.
And especially since I saw Flowerman today and I asked him for feedback as well as where he thought we were going on this new leg of the journey after all the changes this year.... he said that the initial goal of my treatment has been reached - I've done so well, my strength and courage has been phenomenal. When I asked him where we were heading next - he said it was up to me. He wouldn't answer or speculate, but said that it was time to form new goals, new directions, and that it was all my choice.
That dream was so on the money about the healing I've experienced, and today, just 6 hours later, my last appointment for the year with Flowerman - a cap off to an amazingly hard but inspiring year of pain and growth  - to confirm the end of this first journey and a new beginning next year, a new journey.
I feel excited and scared and curious and uncomfortable and.... uncertain.
But I feel proud and validated.
Brave.
And mighty strong!

Oh, Shiny!!

Sitting up late on the computer - situation normal...

My new glasses are such a help seeing the screen, I’m so glad I got them, I certainly needed them! No more having to zoom the screen in which was really annoying.

So busy this time of year, I’m really tired. Dead on my feet, actually.... as are we all.
Last night we (my mum, her partner, my cousin and his daughter) went to the Hunter Valley Gardens to see the lights. They were truly stunning; they must have put so much work into it... I took a lot of photos but not many turned out unfortunately. The ones that did were okay, but nothing to really write home about.
Still, I got a wonderful picture of mum and I, which I absolutely love. Mum and I don't have many photos together - it seems one of us is always on the other side of the lens!
I think the last time we had a photo together was last Christmas... so I was keen to remedy that!

meanwhile, I have been back and forth to mum and grandma's place, to-ing and fro-ing, getting visitors, being a visitor, having mini xmas days with those we wont see for xmas, looking after Isa who is stressed out with grandma's new puppy Jessie and the 2 cats who just moved in next door, xmas shopping, general shopping, and trying to remember to eat and sleep.
aahh, xmas.
why don't we all just skip EVERYTHING - except the presents.
that would do just fine, thank you!

I’ve been waking up early mornings and finding it hard to get back to sleep. my sleep in general is broken, really. I’m trying hard to remember to take my medication, after I overdosed myself accidentally a few weeks ago.
truthfully, I normally miss more doses than I double, as I’m too cautious! but that wasn't too nice... I need to remember to put them all out in the pill boxes... which brings me to -
my memory!
which sucks, as we all know.
I’m seeing Flowerman tomorrow (today), and I’m going to ask him about it. I doubt very much there's anything he can do, but perhaps he'll have some advice, or be able to give me some insight.
that's what shrinks are for, right?
ummm, don't answer that.
tomorrow will be our last session for the year, I think our next appointment isn't until the 25th of January. just over a month.
I always get a little panicky when I have to go so long between appointments.
breathing. still breathing.

on xmas eve, I am taking Isa and we're going to stay at mum and grandma's place for 2 weeks. I’ll be back and forth to home though, it's only 3 minutes away thank god, because I need space badly, and something tells me it's going to be a bit hectic. probably stressful too, but I’ll try to enjoy it and relax if I can.
I’m staying there because mum is going away for 2 weeks holiday on boxing day. grandma can handle the puppy, but not all day. she's usually buggered by the time mum gets home from work, so 24/7 will be too much - considering she has only one leg and her broken shoulder (which hasn't healed properly and never will, we're told).
things are hard for her and she's in a lot of pain. but she keeps going, she is a stubborn one, runs in the family. sometimes I wish she would rest more, but I know as well that if she rests too much, she could easily fall into a depression and never come out. I think she senses that which is why she's always racing around trying to do everything and anything, when in reality, she can't.
mum is taking her laptop with her on holidays, so I’ll only get on the net when I come here. should be every day or so though. but, still, the break from the computer will be good, I think. give me time to catch up on the 6 books I’m trying to finish reading at the moment!!
it's so easy to start a book, then buy another one while you're still reading it and so on until you have this backload of books waiting for your attention :-)
well, it sounds relaxing anyway, but I’m still a bit anxious about it.
I’m scared it will feel like living at home again and the stress that came with that. coupled with the fact that Christmas and the beginning of the year are trigger times for me.
I will be trying to look after myself. and at least I have an escape route this time. a way to get out when I need to.
as for support, B is working over most of Christmas and will be available if I need to ring her, which is a big relief. I can ring the ward too, and talk to the nurses there anytime of the day or night.
I am blessed to have so much care and support in my life.

I have been doing a lot of researching into starseeds lately, and found 2 wonderful websites...

Starseeds Net

and

Ashtar Command Crew

They seem to be really interesting although I haven't taken an extended look around yet.
mostly I am coming across things on my web travels that seem to be just what I need to see, hear and learn, and I’m trusting this.
I’ve shied away from getting too deep into these things in the past, as I tended to lose my grip on reality - that is, being human!!
but I was clicking through a page yesterday and a clear thought entered my mind "I'm Ready Now".
okey dokey then....?
anyhow, taking it slow and seeing what resonates and what doesn't.
I have found a home where I spent a lot of my lives though... it's called "AVYON". as soon as I heard it/read it, I felt so centered, so amazing, so lit up, and I just knew it was right. it speaks to me a lot.
I have been reconnecting with my angels and guides a lot recently too. it's really helping.
I’m having incredibly vivid dreams but can't usually remember much about them. guess I’m doing a fair bit of traveling during the night...!
on 2 occasions last week, I distinctly felt Archangel Michael sitting on my bed next to me. this surprised the hell out of me because I’ve never worked with him, or felt drawn to him, but I certainly do now. I feel really drawn to him...
his energy was so big, there was no mistaking it. lots of gold light around his head. and warrior energy - it felt almost like "soldier" energy, if that makes sense. very powerful, anyway, unmistakable, and, as I said, quite startling!
I feel he's around me a lot, waiting perhaps for something? he's simply here, now, and I’m endeavoring to find out more about him in literature and lore and other more modern new age sources. I feel there's a big message here for me. he's guiding me towards a purpose, an action perhaps, I can feel that.
(I also recently found out that AA Michael is particularly concerned with starseeds and galactic souls, which I honestly had no idea about. who knows, it made me think anyhow...)
perhaps Lisa you can give me some feedback or insight? I know you guys are buddies LOL

anyhow, enough dribble, I’d better go to bed. it's 1:06am!
I’ve got to get up early in the morning to go and see Flowerman. wish we had more than half an hour sometimes.... there's so much to say.
here are some photos from the gardens last night.
be good, take care. xxx

I hope someone lights up your life this christmas! xxx

Not overly exciting for you...

But for me ... I HAVE A NEW FRIDGE!!!

That doesn't leak water, doesn't ice up, has a separate freezer, has proper seals, doesn't have scratches and marks and stains, doesn't buzz, was made in the last 30 years (unlike the one I had) and actually keeps things at the right temperature!

OLD FRIDGE: 

NEW FRIDGE:

I am one very excited Jac-In-A-Hat

:-)

Early Morning Musings On Perfection

nothing in life is perfect. struggling to make it so is to strive for something that is impossible.
the only real perfection lies in our hearts - we ourselves are perfect in every way.
when we see imperfection in our world, our relationships, our possessions, our creations - we are only looking through the eyes of fear.
life's true beauty is in it's flaws, as it is in us.

***********

i have a lot of trouble with perfectionism... i try to tell myself these points whenever i find i am struggling. i decided to write it down yesterday morning at 6am.
the perfection i'm talking about is generally superficial, or focused on appearance or achievement.
"that book has a (tiny) mark on it, i'll have to try and scrub it off"
"the floor isn't perfect, i have to get down with the cloth and try to scrub off that tiny mark"
"i wont wear that shirt today, it's got a few (barely noticeable) threads coming out"
and other little things.
it's amazing how much of my time i spend trying to make things perfect - erasing and redrawing, scrunching up paper to start again because i smudged it slightly, rewriting my poetry neatly on a new page even through the first draft is legible and i'm only going to type it up later, throwing out a letter and starting a new one because the thickness of the pen ink on one or two letters is darker than the rest...
it's silly really. and pointless. and it causes more stress than it's worth. when i'm unwell, these little things add up to form an avalanche that can bury you!
and when i am well, the more stress i'm under (even the little stresses) can make me vulnerable.
and really, who actually notices but me?
i try to remind myself it doesn't matter in the long run, and love my life and surroundings for it's uniqueness.
hard to do, but i try!
everything in my house, therefore, is VERY unique. LOL
and i try to keep it that way...
:)

Despite Appearances...

Despite Appearances... 

... I'm really kind of over Christmas decorations.

Despite Appearances...

... I have more than one friend!

Despite Appearances...

... Isa still wont cook me dinner.

Despite Appearances...

... I do like dogs.

Despite Appearances...

... This star cost more than $2.00.

(It was $2.50)

Despite Appearances...

... I wrapped these presents myself and I'm really proud of them!

Despite Appearances...

... I will, one day, have FISH to put in my fish tank.

Despite Appearances...

... If you try to kiss me beneath the Mistletoe, you will experience searing pain in a rather sensitive spot.

Despite Appearances...

... I am actually quite organised!

Despite Appearances...

... Sometimes I brush my hair and wear mascara.

(Occasionally I even look awake!)

Interesting Info...

As many of you know, I suffer from Chronic Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) and have done so since adolescence. I also have very bad problems with my memory which can be fantastic for some things, short or long term, but can also leave me blank faced when asked what I did last saturday or where I lived in 2004. Bloody annoying!
Part of PTSD can include dissociation, and I certainly have my fair share of problems with that. It's one of my major symptoms. Sometimes I think that has a lot to do with my bad memory, because if I'm only 'half-there', it's pretty understandable.
I'm sure there are many factors, including 3 courses of ECT (Electro-convulsive Therapy) I have received over the years, which is famous for effecting memory, although usually not permanently.
A couple of years ago, I had an MRI brain scan. Everything was normal. The only thing of note was that my hippocampus was slightly small.
The hippocampus is a little bit of the brain that regulates emotion and memory, especially high emotion memories and transforming short term memories into long term ones.
Many studies are becoming available over the past few years that link the hippocampus with trauma and PTSD. In particular, it seems that trauma, especially repeated long term trauma can actually damage this area.
The other thing that can apparently damage the hippocampus is Temporal Lobe Epilepsy. I was diagnosed with a very mild form of this a few years ago (I don't really get many symptoms from this, only the occasional 'smelling something that isn't there' thing). I'm not sure if I have the TLE because of the hippocampus problems or vice versa. Who knows. They go together though, and all of this information goes a long way to explain - or at least shed light - on the physical aspects of my illness, which always seems to be seen as exclusively psychological. That's why scientists are so excited about the findings. More and more research is done on these brain connections to trauma and memory every day. I think it's a wonderful thing. We really need to learn more, even if there is no treatment found (apart from the current ones), insight and understanding are amazingly helpful.
I thought I would share some of this with you all as I came across yet another article on the links between the hippocampus and memory and PTSD today. It's really fascinating. This particular study examines the hippocampus issues in children and teenagers, which is especially close to my heart. My major symptoms started when I was 12.
Here is the article: Post-traumatic stress may harm kids' brains.
I have also added links to some of the things I've mentioned in this post so that you can find out more if you would like to.
Thanks for reading guys. Will be back soon with a merrier post! :-)

Sight Of The Year

A darkly tanned, muscular, tough looking 30 year old guy in a singlet, cigarette hanging from the side of his mouth, riding down the middle of the road on a mobility scooter which has the custom number plate "ride hard" and two safety flags on each side with stuffed reindeer antlers tied to them...

I AM... ? (Well, HE was obviously psychotic, but hey, he's a movie star...)

I am a lucky one....

I have a car, a house, an income, my own furniture, a pantry of food, an extra freezer, internet access, I often win on Scratchies, I find feathers everywhere, I appreciate beauty in nature/art/people, I am able to live in the present moment more often than not, my bed is comfy and warm, I always have toilet paper....

I am a loved one....

I have two homes between my own and my old one at mum and g'ma's, my cat misses me when I'm away, g'ma's puppy knows me and greets me with gusto whenever I visit, I'm surrounded by angels, men notice me (I never noticed before LOL), people just want to hug me all the time (WTF?)....

I am a geeky one...

I insist on using Firefox and I have 31 add-ons and growing, I have an entire book dedicated to my internet and website passwords and user-names, I read so many blogs and visit so many websites that I subscribe to an RSS reader to get updates and I currently have 92 subscriptions, I have 4 email addresses for different uses, customising is my favourite past time - windows, firefox, outlook, screen, wallpaper, fonts, start-up systems, ANYTHING on the computer and I refuse to use a PC - even if it isn't mine - and NOT tinker with it, I have all my files on back up because through my long experience I've learnt that when you are a 'tinker-er' every one in a while, you'll lose your entire operating system LOL

I am a cared for one....

My family loves me to death and would do anything for me, I have an amazing support system who have become my 'extra' family, many people have seen something in me/my true potential and have gone a long way out of their way to help me....

I am a silly one....

I talk to my cat, I don't floss and never intend to, I sing loudly and badly when driving, my brother and I joke about chicken lips and ducks and voice-overs, my sense of humour is strange sometimes unexpected sometimes dark but always hilarious - to me, never been able to put two pegs of the same colour on the one item of clothing (until now), there is a 30cm tall scale model of a Virgin Blue aeroplane on top of my jewellery box, I can turn my top lip up to touch the tip of my nose, I never take my make up off before bed, I can contort my little finger OVER my ring finger to sit UNDER my middle finger....

I am an attractive one....

My eyelashes are long, I've got cupids bow lips, I take care of my skin, my boobs are big, soft and curvy *wink*, people say I have a great smile, my eyes change colours slightly along the brown/green spectrum, I've been told I could say enough to fill a book just by looking at someone....

I am a growing one...

My hair is always changing colour and cut, I learn something every day, I'm getting better at keeping an open mind/letting others in/learning how to be the authentic me, I no longer think it's 'vain' to talk up your positive aspects or 'selfish' to look after yourself first or 'lost' if you don't fit any label, I'm not like anyone else and - finally - I don't care! :)

I am a grateful one....

For EVERYTHING! Seriously.

(Okay, well, maybe not "Battlefield Earth", but, you know, whatever...)

APAD Project - Week In Hospital - Part One

Been pretty quiet here this admission, not much to write home about, so to speak. A little anger and sadness about hearing of another staff member's resignation - she co-runs my support group, so it will be very different. I am grateful for having met her though, and known her for the relatively short period I have. She is amazing. It's so hard to let go of people we care about, people who've helped me... It's painful. But, as Hellen Keller said, "When one door closes, another one opens. But often we spend so long looking at the closed door, that we do not see the one that has been opened for us."

Here are a couple of my poems from this week.

***

Nicotine

you draw me in, your seductive poison

a million reasons to let you in

to wreak your havoc on my body and mind

clutching, sharp claws of addiction sin

you're my perfect drug, social and friendly

seeming so innocent, sharing my woes

while hooking tendrils of fear and dependence

building false foundations where my willpower goes

feels so relieving, powerful, in control

for just the sweet moments I hold you close

a best friend like Stalin, your appearance deceiving

smiles and charm through every deadly dose

***

you stole my words

the syrup from my lips

as I dreamt of you

stole sugar from cookies

and turned it to bitter anise

I look away

foolishly, until another day

nothing left to say...

***

your precious heart

my fragile wound

our walls against

the world

like a little boy and girl

cowering

from expected pain

only letting

those who hurt us

in again

walls with secret passageways

for the predators

to stalk their prey

walls to keep only

salvation

away

***

Well, it's about time I crawled quietly into bed, I think. It's 11.30pm and the ward is quiet as a mouse. All are sleeping - or trying to sleep. It's cold tonight so I'm looking forward to curling up under the blankets. The hospital beds leave a lot to be desired in the comfort stakes, but they are a lot better than normal hospital beds you'd find on a medical ward. So, they've tried, I guess. I really don't notice until I wake up in the morning with a sore back, but I can deal with that. I always bring my own pillow from home - learnt that the hard way - so that makes a big difference. :-)

Still, there's nothing like your own bed, is there? Looking forward to Thursday night!

Sweet dreams blogland.

*sprinkles sleepy fairy dust on everyone*

zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

APAD Project - Wednesday

I'll be in hospital for a week from tomorrow (thursday), but I'm hoping I will have internet access, however limited. Even if I don't post, I'll be doing my poem a day in there for sure - there isn't a great deal else to do!

Hopefully I get a good room and room-mates, it always helps. Fingers crossed.

My cousin was deployed to Iraq yesterday. She's probably there by now. I'd appreciate if you could send a little prayer her way if you're comfortable with that. I have a feeling she will be okay, that's what my instinct tells me, but it's never a bad thing to have a few extra angels on your shoulder, especially over there.

We are all thinking of her, that's for sure.

Well, I'd better be off and finish this packing (why do I always leave it until the last minite?) Here's hoping my new 2nd hand laptop holds up for me and helps fill in some time and help me keep in touch with everyone a little.

Take care and be good.

Here is today's poem. A little playful tonight :-D

Tell me your wish and I’ll grant it
True
Here is some fairy dust for
You
Tell me your secrets, I’ll tell you
Mine
Let’s discuss love over fine mulled
Wine

Take a deep dive and I’ll breathe for
You
Read me a story of dawn and
Dew
Here is some bright star dust for
Us
So let’s dance and sing and love with
Lust

APAD Project - Tuesday

Okay, so I missed a few days, LOL. I am getting better!

Here's today's poem. It's a little dark tonight.

I said I would walk with you
Through open fields
On starlit nights
I would brave the deepest forests
On moonless midnights
I told you I’d walk beside you
Give me your hand
Let’s play
Rolling around in dew moistened grass
Let’s pray
And outrun these demons
Nipping at our heels
I said I’d walk with you
Through this fear and pain
Let’s leave
Let’s go
Before grassy fields
Become frozen lakes
And forests close their teeth
Around the sun
Let’s pray
Walk with me
This way

A new project, a challenge of sorts

The lovely Wendy inspired a great idea when she commented on my last poem.
The last year or so, I have been writing less and less, and since poetry is my passion, I'd love to get more into it again.
I've decided to challenge myself to a "Poem-A-Day" project. Even if it's just a few lines or a little 'ditty'. I'm not sure how long I'll try it, I'll see how things go.
It will get me writing and exercising those muscles again. I also find my poetry to be quite revealing - to myself. So, there are things to be learned from my perspective.
And, well, I just love flowing words together! :-)
So, thanks Wendy for the inspiration. Here is today's poem, the first in the project. A little emotional tonight.

It’s the tip of the iceberg, my friend
You asked me to take this journey with you
Held out your hand
And dared me to risk it all
You saw my need for something more
The hate for myself
My fear of crossing that line
You looked into my eyes and saw
Each night that I’d stared at the stars
And made the same decision
A thousand decisions
And fell
Like a comet, a meteor

A bright streak
Disappearing from the sky
A thousand meteors
Would you make me a star again?
So we traveled ice
And fire,
And razor sharp canyons of limestone and slate
Along ridges of silk
To rest in beds of warm tears
And again, again
And somewhere there I heard a silent promise
A star that had seen me and whispered:
Join me…

Forever Safe

I woke up with your name on my lips

You taste like forever on my tongue

A sudden breeze on a humid day

Rough hands that cup my cheeks

And take me away

Away

You feel like safety against my skin

I woke with your warmth on my arms

Still singing the song

That begins with soft floral notes

And ends in deep, musky woods

And ambers

Pepper and spice

I woke with your heart on my mind

Your body on my soul

Whisked away whole

Whole

For me

You sound like passion to my ears

Gentle flowing waves of heat

From a fire as it snows outside

Like Mozart on my fingertips

Dancing

We dance on pinheads of illusion

And you taste like forever on my tongue

This Week....... (a post so boring even the 'national boring blog posts archive' wont take it)

I played with, fell asleep with, introduced Isa to (don't ask) and took videos of Jessie, my grandma's puppy...

  I wrapped Xmas presents and started making my own cards and gift tags... fun... (And also bought another 5 presents online - waiting for delivery next week...)

  Rearranged and redecorated the spare room. Cool parasol light shade, huh? : -)

More rearranged, cleaned, organized and tidy spare room...  (Lets see how long it stays that way, mm?)

Blocked off the vents in the walls by sticky taping white cardboard over them and throwing little paintings over them for good measure!  (These vents are also known as the "huntsman spiders please enter here" vents...haHA! Take that you freaks of nature! You want war?? I'll give you WAR!!! Ahem...)

  Totally organized my shoes, swapping winter ones for summer ones, putting away all the boots, etc. (So neat! Who'da thunk it?)

  Finally, finally, FINALLY had a huge chuck out and organization of my medicine cabinet, which hadn't been looked at since I moved in... (In case you're wondering, this IS neat for me, and also, I DO actually use all this stuff... LOL)

  Spent 3 hours sorting summer from winter clothes and adjusting wardrobe contents accordingly!

  Hard to believe, but not so long ago, 98% of what's in my wardrobes would have been black... telling, really.

  Found myself missing doses of my medication, which is fine once in a while, but I'd done it too many times and was (am still) becoming a wreck again. So I have gone back to splitting my doses into easy to see containers, then at least I wont miss a dose because I can't remember if I took it or not. (If I happen to double dose accidentally, it's not just annoying, it's dangerous... damn pills.)

Risked my very life playing with Isa, trying to win back her love after introducing her to Jessie for the first time... (*hushed tone* We don't talk about that day, it never happened) 

  FINALLY cleared up my cork-board, got all the irrelevant and outdated stuff off it and neatened it up a bit. (Well, you should have seen it before...) I even have space left!

Went through my CD's and DVD's... and made them look nice and straight and neat again (Isa loves to make work for me, she says it's out of love, as it keeps me busy...) 

  Finally hung my Prayer Flags which I've been trying to find a place for since I moved in...

  Caught up with my boys...  ♥

  And appreciated my beautiful Dusk candle, which apparently is a specially 'air cleansing' one or something, and which has the most amazing, divine smell which I can't quite identify but which seems to me to be a cross between brown sugar, cinnamon, chocolate and watermelon...

I've managed to get a lot of things done this week that have either been building up for some time - or are just one of those things you 'mean to get around to' but never do. Feels good!

If you no longer know where you are, who you are, or what the fuck is going on, congratulations - you're on your way to enlightenment...

bit sad tonight, but not sure why.
things don't seem dark. just sad.
i feel lonely, alone.
and yet, if i could be with someone, i wouldn't want to.
which is a bit of a strange place to be.
i am confused about the world, what's what, who's who, what i believe, what's right and wrong and where i fit into it. but i try not to think about that. it's a circular thought path for me, and does me more harm than good.
i'm trying to just be in the moment and deal with things as they come up, which is always easier said than done, but i try.
i go rapidly from feeling as though i am on top of things, to the place i'm in now, a strange sad place, and back again.
and then...
yesterday, it occurred to me, that maybe i only think i am not strong, unable to do things, because many people, over the course of my life, and including myself, have told me that i can't.
maybe i really can, and i've trained myself into believing i'm weak.
and all of a sudden, i realized - i can do those things. i can, and more. i am really strong, and i'm certainly not stupid. i'm not weak. i'm me. and *** I *** am so much stronger than i have ever dared to believe. it was fact, a true realization, and it was real. it felt real, anyway.
it was as though i found the real me hiding beneath my life, my circumstances, my body, my mind... and it was an angel. an archangel, a goddess, a god, a shining light, a warrior, a century old oak tree, a soldier, a core of rock, a rod of steel.
how can that strength possibly be shaken or crumbled or weakened?

it can't.
it can only be hidden.

funny how the things that are told to you over and over and over, that we are scared to believe, turn out to be true.
i am brave. i am strong. i am courageous. i am amazing.
but you don't realize it's true.... until you realize it for yourself.
maybe it's listening to what we're told about ourselves, what we tell ourselves, and sorting out the bullshit from the truth.
i wish i could always hold on to that.

see? i just changed places again. did'ya catch it?

*knowledge doesn't equal intelligence*
*intelligence doesn't equal wisdom*
*and wisdom doesn't necessarily bring peace*

Ten Things

Michelle has passed along a command disguised as a gentle suggestion *ducks* that we all blog 10 things we are grateful for. A good idea, I haven't done a gratitude list for a while, at least not on paper, etc.

I am grateful for:

1. Puppies!
2. New glasses that help me read and see the computer screen.
3. Arnott's 'Kingston' biscuits
4. Beautiful gifts from my cousin - a candle care pack with shiny silver snuffer and wick trimmer, a pandora style bracelet, a wooden magazine rack, a herbal tea pot and the most gorgeous smelling candle I've ever smelled from Dusk.
5. Tears.
6. 2010 diaries that are perfect and only cost $3.99, instead of a similar one at the newsagent for $19.95, which I had planned to buy.
7. Isa who wakes me up with those 'half meow / half purr' noises that I can't help but smile at even though it's 6am, and her headbutts against my hand sticking out from under the covers.
   
8. Hair wraps to keep my fringe out of my eyes on hot days like today.
   
9. Smiles from friends when I show them pictures of Jessie, grandma's puppy.
   
10. My mum.
    

Mythical Creatures

I found this one floating around the net and couldn't resist.
By the way, I'll post some photos of Jessie, my grandma's new puppy soon. It's amazing how much joy a little puppy can bring into a room, isn't it?

****** 

Centaur:
[ ] You are rather wild, and let your instincts run you.
[ ] You get drunk a lot.
[ ] Bravery and boldness is second nature to you.
[x] You have a deep love for astronomy and the universe.
[x ] You like to read your daily horoscope.
[ ] You have a high level of pride in yourself.
[ ] The woods is the best place for you to be.
[ x] You are spiritual.
[ ] The horse is your favorite animal.
[ ] You are possessive and territorial.
Total:  3
 

Elf:
[ ] Your ears are slightly pointed at the tips. )
[ x] You are very intelligent.
[x ] Your five senses are extremely keen.
[ ] Your weight is quite a bit lighter than the average person at your particular height.
[x] You always wear elegant clothes and speak as politely as possible.
[x] You are most at peace when you are gazing at something beautiful, like nature.
[ x] You look very young for your age.
[ ] You rarely get sick.
[ ] You are a very hard worker.
[ ] Above all other superpowers, you would love to read minds or see the future.
Total:  5
 

Fairy:
[ ] You are happy a lot of the time.
[ ] The best superpower to you would be to fly.
[x] You are very shy.
[x] You love the forest and plant life in general.
[x] You are always willing to help others, even if you might not be the best to offer aid.
[ ] You are young and short.
[ ] Dancing is one of your favorite pastimes.
[ ] If someone ticks you off, you are very clever with getting them back.
[ ] Your clothing isn't always presentable, but you are comfortable with what you wear.
[ ] Circles are a wonderful symbol of unity to you.
Total:   3

Gnome/Dwarf:
[x] You are excellent with crafts and handiwork.
[ ] In social situations, you tend to be a little awkward.
[ ] You are short for your age.
[x ] You are an isolationist.
[ ] You love to play practical jokes on people.
[x] You are extremely fascinated with jewelry.
[ ] You look older than your age.
[ ] You love the woods and the mountains.
[ ] You are well off, or come from a family that is well off.
[ ] You have a short temper.
Total:  3
 

Harpy/Siren:
[ ] You are best at talking bad about people behind their backs and not to their face.
[ ] When you are annoyed, you will go to a great extent to torment whoever did so to you.
[ ] You often take things that aren't yours.
[ ] You are easily angered.
[ ] Death fascinates you.
[x] You are female, or a feminine-looking man.
[x] You associate yourself with the wind element.
[x] You can switch quickly between your light and dark side.
[ ] You love to trick others.
[ x] You have a ravenous appetite.
Total:  4
 

Mermaid:
[x] You love the beach more so because of the water than the shore itself.
[ ] Fish are some of the most beautiful creatures to you.
[x] The ultimate superpower to you would be to breathe underwater.
[x] You enjoy looking at ships, but not riding them, as well as you like ships for traveling, not hunting in the sea.
[x] You are good at swimming.
[x] You like to collect shells.
[x] You use sea items as jewelry or decoration.
[ ] You enjoy learning about the ocean and the life inside it.
[x] You are extremely against ocean pollution, and someday, perhaps (if you haven't already), you will work to stop that.
[x] Legs on land are not as important as a fin in the sea.
Total:  8
 

Vampire:
[x] You're a night person.
[x] You have a fascination with blood.
[ ] You are extremely pale.
[ ] You wish you had a bat as a pet.
[ ] You are not religious at all.
[ ] Tight spaces are not scary or uncomfortable for you.
[x] The sun's glare annoys you all too often.
[ ] You hate food with lots of garlic in it.
[x] To you, a kiss on the neck is more romantic than a kiss on the cheek or lips.
[ ] You don't like sharp objects near you.
Total:  4
 

Werewolf:
[x] The full moon is the most beautiful scene to you.
[x ] You have a lot of body hair.
[ ] The ability to shapeshift is the best superpower to you.
[ ] You prefer gold over silver items.
[ ] You lack self control.
[x ] You find it easier to have sympathy for animals than for humans.
[x ] You have a deep respect for wolves and wild dogs.
[x] You like to be alone.
[x ] You have a terrible secret and you only tell people you trust 100% about it.
[x] You'd rather be outdoors than indoors.
Total:  7
 

Wizard/Witch:
[ ] You love chemistry.
[x] You are intuitive and good at analyzing people, to the point that people seriously or jokingly say you're psychic.
[ ] The most amazing supernatural power to you is controlling the elements.
[x] You are a nature lover.
[ ] You have a strong sense of responsibility (you use your talents positively)
[x] You spend a lot of time alone.
[ x] You usually hang around with a certain animal all the time when you feel lonely.
[x ] You are spiritual, but not necessarily religious.
[ ] Cooking is one of your favorite things to do.
[ ] You enjoy learning about Wicca and the occult.
Total:  5
 

Zombie:
[ ] You are pale
[x] You are hungry a lot.
[ ] Many activities you do every day make you feel mindless, or like a drone.
[ ] Most of the time you or a part of you is cold
[ ] You love to eat meat.
[ ] You would resort to cannibalism if that was the only source of food.
[x] You make grunts and moans a lot (such as when you're tired, are annoyed, etc.).
[x] You enjoy learning about psychology because you study the brain.
[x] You usually walk slow.
[x] You are not afraid of seeing a lot of blood or getting a lot of blood on yourself.
Total:  5

I'm a MERMAID! heehee :)
What are you??





Picture Links And Credits:

Centaur http://www.centaursite.com/art2/
Elf http://www.lovelylivtyler.com/specials/lotr/elvishlines.html
Fairy http://www.howarddavidjohnson.com/pixies.htm
Gnome http://fantasyfineart.com/mckenna
Harpy http://www.lovelylivtyler.com/specials/lotr/elvishlines.html
Mermaid http://www.cmarie.com/
Vampire http://www.graphicsdb.com/
Werewolf http://www.dynastyforpetlovers.com/IMPWOLFWOMAN.HTM
Witch http://www.philipstraub.com/Witch.htm
Zombie http://foodfrenzy.freedomblogging.com/2009/10/24/zombie-pub-crawl-today-in-newport/13385/